Sailing along and then, BAM! Blind sided. Rug pulled out from under your feet. Your sense of stability...gone. Two months ago I went to our support group where I learned that D could not be on blockers indefinitely, as I had originally thought. I thought he could just use that "pause button" and once we knew for sure that he really wanted to be androgynous, remove the gonads (the thing that makes your body's hormones) and be done with it all. HA. It was certainly simple in my mind. What I didn't know was that bone density is mainly created during puberty. If he didn't have puberty, then his likely-hood of very early osteoporosis was fairly certain. How then, do you ask a child which puberty they want to go through, if they don't want to be defined as a man, or as a woman?
I felt like vomiting as I tried talking to him about it. We reviewed our original "game plan", and then I told him what I had learned at group the night before. What I was told we had to do: pick a puberty. Again, his answer was "Neither." Now don't get me wrong. I understand that lots of kids don't want to deal with puberty. Please don't confuse this with that kind of experience. This isn't about not wanting to deal with an inconvenience. This is about not wanting the end result of either puberty. Not wanting to be a grown male, or a grown female. We talked about the pros and cons of each puberty for him.
Male-
Pros: easy, no drugs, blockers, Dad isn't overly masculine in physical appearance, doesn't have a ton of body hair, no prominent Adam's apple, or a deep voice. Maybe we could skate through this!
Cons: Wouldn't fit his female expression (how he dresses). No way to know how his voice would really change. Dreaded facial hair. Losing hair on his head.
Those last two cons were what kept him up late at night as a little kid. The big bad monsters under his bed.
Female-
Pros: At least his body would match his expression (it would make sense visually to other people). He doesn't dislike the female body, nor does it stress him out to think of having one.
Cons: Cost, pain and discomfort for cross hormones and blockers. Doesn't really want a female body. No way to really know that the cross hormones would be successful in causing proper bone density... it is all new, uncharted waters for everyone.
We decided that if we had to pick one, that female was the most sensible.
Ok, trying to sail along with this new concept. Trying to regain some navigation and a feeling of stability. Cue Blind Side number 2: If you don't use it, you'll lose it. Huh?
So it turns out that if he never experiences his male puberty, that his body will likely not be able to function in a sexual manner. Let's just say that as difficult as it was to talk to a kid about understanding and picking a puberty, trying to explain to a kid (who simply can not grasp what sex could possibly feel like) that his choice in not having a male puberty, may leave him unable to experience sex, was practically impossible. Yeah, there will be other options, and ways to work around that, as many adults have to deal with and go on to live happy, fulfilled, sexual lives. But he will never really know what he is missing out on. How can someone make a decision like that?
Sigh. So I bite the bullet and attempt that tough conversation. The kind where you feel like it isn't a fair question. The kind where you feel like no matter the answer, you still will be torn up about even asking it. His answer was "Ok, that's fine." I tried explaining it all again, explaining that how he loves his best friend would kinda be it, and "will that be enough?" But still the same answer. Somehow for the first time, I feel like he just doesn't know what he is saying goodbye to. For the first time in this whole roller coaster of a ride, I doubt my son.
And then I think back on my mantra. "So what?" And I realize, maybe love really is far more important. Maybe at the young age of 10, he, my little soul teacher, has it more figured out that 90% of teens and 20 somethings. Heck, more figured out that most men on the planet. That life might just be far simpler and richer, if you just got to love your best friend, and not worry about all that other stuff.
