Surrogacy

When I tell people I want to become a surrogate, I usually get one of two responses:
"Wow!  That is so incredible.  You are an angel to give such a gift to someone else."
"Why would you do that?  There are already so many children in this world without homes."

The thing is, I don't feel like I am doing either.  I kinda feel selfish.  I love birth.  I love being pregnant.  It is one time in my life that I feel like my body is doing truly amazing things and I am in awe over its ability.  I love my firm round tummy, feeling all the kicks inside it, and expect my swollen ankles and achy body.  I spent my whole life being told "You have some great child-bearing hips!" and think 3 uses of those hips is just not enough.  Labor is somewhat predictable for me and manageable by just sitting in a hot shower through the strongest contractions.  Giving birth at home is an amazing experience and I want to share how incredible that is with another couple.

When my friend told me about her miscarriage and inability to continue trying for another pregnancy, she was devastated and heartbroken.  It affected her so deeply.  I felt guilty that pregnancy and birth came so easily to me.  I remember thinking "I can do it for you".  I bit my tongue because that wasn't what she wanted, but it planted a seed in my heart.  Maybe I am not done just yet.  A year later when both my younger boys had fully weaned, I was ready.  In the process of finding out who my ideal Intended Parents were, I had an "ah-ha moment".  I realized that I would be truly fulfilled if I could find a couple with one or both Intended Parents that were transgender.  I figured that other surrogates might not have the same understanding that I have, regarding gender-variance and transgenderism and that I would quickly find this ideal couple.  After calling and emailing many agencies, I was disappointed to discover that none of the agencies had any current Intended Parents that fit my ideals, in fact, only one had ever had an Intended Parent that was transgender.  I was heartbroken.  I really wanted to find someone like my son to do this for, as sort of a full circle karma experience.  I figured that if I put this energy out into the universe, maybe someday someone would return the favor to my son, if he ever needed it.  Another aspect is the financial compensation.  I know those puberty blocker drugs are expensive and not covered by insurance.  I know I need to start now, so that I can give my son what he needs to be who he is inside.  There is nothing I won't do to make that happen for my son.  That is my job as his mother.  There is not a lot I can do on this journey that he is on.  All I can do is support him by giving him the solid foundation of love and respect that he needs and deserves, and provide him the tools that he needs to find himself.

So really, I am being selfish.  I want to experience the joy of pregnancy, exhilaration of birth, the positive energy of doing something good for someone else, and making the path a little easier for my son.  Maybe being selfish isn't always a bad thing.